Shepherding Teenagers (And Parents) Through "Let Down" Moments

I wrote this for YM360...check them out here!

The phone rang at 1 AM.  It was a mom desperate for advice after receiving a phone call that rocked her world.  Her child had made a really poor decision and there was some serious fall-out from it.

This student loves Jesus. This student had shared Christ with friends and served at every chance possible. This student had sought out a mentor and met with their mentor regularly.  I can personally vouch for this student’s faith, love for life, and desire to be used by the LORD in dynamic ways. But this one night, this student made a choice that didn’t reflect any of these truths.

The question for us as youth pastors is “How do we handle these moments?” 

How do we handle the parent who is desperate to answer the, “Why did he or she do this?” question.  How do we handle it when the student, who is facing the immediate guilt of his or her actions, looks at you as their mentor and says, “I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you.”

It’s in these "let down" moments, we have the opportunity to reflect truth and grace to everyone involved, even ourselves. Here’s what this looks like:

Truth

We are sinners. Regardless of how mature we are in our relationship with Christ, the reality is that we live in a broken world with a sin nature that gives in to temptation.  Sometimes this truth is a hard reminder to parents and students. We tend to think that action = character.  James 2 says that faith without action is dead, and rightfully so. We love seeing students live out their faith I ways that are visible. We can see how much they love the Lord.  But when we forget what James says about temptation in chapter 1, there’s the shellshock of watching students who are strong in their faith make sinful choices.

Truth

Jesus isn’t done with us yet. These reality check moments remind us of the need for Jesus. Even in our broken world, the Holy Spirit desires to transform our hearts and minds. These moments allow us to remember that the Gospel isn’t just about our salvation when we die, but about our salvation while we’re alive. These moments, especially with students and parents that desire to follow Jesus, allow us to teach a deep scriptural truth in a practical and tangible way.

Grace

Our words and actions immediately following these types of circumstances can be Jesus-breathed or guilt-driven. Paul in 2 Corinthians 7 talks about guilt that leads to repentance. When we know we’ve messed up, we need to head toward repentance and allow God’s grace to lead us a new direction. When this student looked at me and said, “I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you” my reply was “No you haven’t.” I shared I thought the action was immature and foolish, but that more than anything I felt for them because of the guilt, pain, and regret they were already feeling. I told this student that I wasn’t disappointed. The light that lit up in this student’s eyes was a great moment for us. 

I reminded the student that when we seek forgiveness from Jesus, it was already granted. But repentance is a crucial element in this moment. It also gave me a chance to help the parents be able to see how God’s grace will carry everyone through.

After 12+ years of student ministry, I’m still not surprised by these moments. The truth is that we all can confess we personally still have them. Sharing from our own mistakes and how we’ve pursued repentance and transformation, can allow the students we pastor a visual example that it can be done. But we better not be faking it! Jesus doesn’t need us blurring the picture of authentic submission to Him. (The world does that enough.) 

We need to be able to stand with students and continue to call them with the transformation Gospel that allows the Kingdom of Heaven to be lived out on this earth now in a real and life altering way.

Rejection

I think a solid case could be made that rejection is one of the hardest realities & human pains we deal with.  The pain, scars & insecurities rejection leaves behind are not easily overcome.



The child who feels rejected by an absentee parent.
The spouse who realizes their life partner is choosing the arms of someone else.
The kid who nobody will sit with.
The professionals business proposal that was slaved over for hours only to be dismissed as an inadequate idea.

Rejection can easily creep into our identity and self-image.  We can allow the choices of others to shape who we feel we are and how we see our life worth.  When we approach life situations, people, opportunities and ideas and we put ourselves "out there" in whatever way and we get the NO, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, LAME, YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY COMMITMENT and any other response that can speak REJECTION cuts deep.

In certain areas of life rejection comes from a choice we make as individuals to put ourselves in a vulnerable place.  There is a truth that when we risk we may not succeed.  And without risking we'll never know the result.  But when we risk we also have to be prepared 

I'm not sure I have an answer or solution that allows rejection to never hurt, but what I do know are these three truths in my own life.

1--My identity cannot be found in the approval of others.  Galatians 1:10
If I try to please people in my life I'll never always get it right.  If I hold to my life convictions and keep perspective on life when I encounter rejection I know that Jesus never rejects me on any level.

2--My life cannot be defined by how a WIN over LOSS percentage.  Proverbs 1:1-7
I like winning.  I hate losing.  But if I make each encounter, relationship, risk, task about "winning vs losing" I'll never be able to enjoy the moments I'm in.  I'll be too focussed on the result and it will control me.

3--Taking one day at a time allows me to keep site on the big picture of my life.  Matthew 6:31-34
I have 5 core values that really are in every part of me.  Those core values allow me to see the longterm direction my life is taking.  When I get too focussed on the individual inconveniences It's hard to keep my eyes where Jesus would have me keep them.  

Go Ahead...Spoil Her

I've been in several conversations lately about how we, as husbands, can care for our wives.  Some of the conversations have left me wondering why some husbands have a perspective of "the least I have to do is great" and others are willing to care for their spouse with more intentionality.  I have a personal conviction that caring for my wife in specific, tangible ways that'll bless her is crucial to my roll as Kim's husband.  Here is how I've practiced this value in the last few months:

I try to write Kim a serious letter once to twice a month.  This letter is intentional about why and how I value her as my wife or the mother of my sons.

I do dishes.  My wife can cook.  Not just casually but seriously she can cook and cook well!  So I love seeing her make a mess and create a beautiful culinary creation that I can then clean up.

I sent her away.  Kim really wanted to attend the LOVE DOES conference last week in Tacoma Washington.  So we budget & allowed our annual tax refund to be used on that trip for her.  This allowed her a chance to refresh her heart and soul.  

I clean.  Each week I intentionally tackle the bathrooms.  I clean the tubs, toilets, sinks, counters & mirror.  I know this little help each week allows Kim to enjoy a clean tub for a bath and bathroom when she's getting ready.  But beyond that two times a year we budget for cleaning team to come detail clean our house.  I do this before Christmas & right before summer and each time we love the feel in the house.

None of these are really life altering steps but they are little ways I intentionally try to care for my wife. I know many of you who follow this blog are husbands so lets' share our ideas, how do you try to care for you wife?

Marriage & Family---Post 1000

I love my wife.  I love my marriage.  I love working, nurturing & fighting to keep it all healthy and in a Jesus honoring place!

This past weekend was so fun doing all of those things.

Friday I took Kim out for a surprise breakfast on the beach.  The place has a gorgeous view and the food is really decent too!  

After breakfast we picked up our packets for our COLOR RUN the next day and then I took her shopping to get her something she's been wanting for a long time.  
The whole day was full of talking, sharing, dreaming, flirting and following up on some deeper conversations that have been ongoing for a few months now.  It was enriching & ver fulfilling for me as I had my wife's undivided attention and we were able to talk intently about a lot of things that were critical for us.

Saturday we woke everyone up early and participated in a 5k Color Run, http://thecolorrun.com.  This event was so enjoyable for all of us.  It was something Kim really wanted to do the year before but we missed the registration deadline.  Our boys enjoyed it, I enjoyed and my wife was smiling the whole time!

I've realized something about myself and marriage, perspective is everything and agenda's are destructive.  If I have an agenda about something in my marriage than it is ME centered.  When things are ME centered I'm coming from a selfish angle.  But when my perspective is on caring for Kim and the boys I found myself more relaxed, less impatient and trying to serve them so they feel cared for.  

If you are a husband serve your wife by dying daily to your own ego & pride.  If you are a father help model for your sons what it means to be able to lead a family with humility & service.  If you have daughters help them see the type of man that allows a woman to thrive and live with freedom to be herself.

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Shall we Dance or Cower?

From the inner workings of my cranium:

Life has a rhythm. 
It has a beat to it that can either sooth you, energize you or grate against your nerves. 
The rhythm we hear can move us to dance or shadow us to cower.  I don't believe that cowering does much to those who observe us.

But when we dance do we dance for perfection or out of passion?  If we dance to perfect & hear applause don't we miss why our hearts move us to dance?  Are we not moved to dance because something inside of us is compelled to do something?  Are we not moved to dance because we are so enveloped into the rhythm that it feels like it is a part of us?

John 10:14

I am moved, compelled and engulfed in the rhythm of the call of Jesus.  The flow, even when I don't know how long the song will last or even if I like this song...i cannot get away from it.  I want more of it.  Sometimes out of curiosity and sometimes out of pure obsession.

Naked Truth Series

Every year there are three series I absolutely am thrilled to teach to high school students; Identity series about who they are in Christ and the masks we wear,  Redemptive work of the grace of the Gospel, and a series on relationships and sex.  Each year these three series bring out so many conversations that seem to be huge fruit opportunities for our youth leaders.

The past three weeks our high school ministry has been walking through our series on relationships.  We called it the NAKED TRUTH.  Each week we "uncovered" a reality about relationships.

Week 1--The reality that our relationship with Christ will guide any & every relationship we have.  If we can't step into a healthy & authentic pursuit of Jesus as our first love any relationship we have will never be able to fill us or complete us.
2 Corinthians 5:14-17 & Colossians 2:6-8 were our foundation for the evening.  This was a foundation move because the rest of the series had to reflect back to this reality.

Week 2--The reality that Romance & Chivalry are not dead...just lost.  This night we focussed on our romance & Chivalry needs to be a part of our lives and not just when we date.  But how we communicate to the opposite gender, how we treat them, think of them, notice them & protect them.  We encouraged & challenged students to not just think of themselves but live out their faith [Philippians 2:4] and how to embrace Romance & Chivalry that we see reflected in the Song of Solomon story.  We challenged the guys to be MEN & not BOYS and also for girls to set the standards they'd really want in the guy of their dreams.

We used this video in the evening as an opener and it had a great response to it



Week 3--The Reality of Emotional & Physical Consequences
We talked about the
Emotional Consequences that Hurt,
The Physical consequences that hurt,
The Emotional Consequences that are healthy
The Physical Consequences that are healthy.

This night was summed up into two key words, Boundaries & Self-Control.  Song of Solomon 2:15 & Proverbs 5:18-19 were key verses and we referred to Ephesians 4.  A highlight was reflecting to the students the length of the marriages represented in the room by our mentors.  The shortest active marriage, mine, was 13 years and the longest active marriage is 25 years.  Students actually celebrated that moment when we used it as an illustration.

This video was used & again it had a great response



This series created many conversations and "I've never thought of that before".  And to be honest that is often the goal I have, to create as many "I've never thought of that before" moments as possible.  But in those moments to ask them to reflect on What Jesus has to say about the topic of discussion.

I also have a goal, to share as many illustrations from my own life and marriage that reflect healthy and pursuing Jesus.  I am too often reminded that our student ministry may be the only reflection many students will have in this topic & reality in life.

Church Community

I was reading Colossians Chapter 3 today and this thought came to me

If we only went to church with people we liked or got a long with it wouldn't be a church, it'd be a clique.  The body of Christ is diverse and not clean cut.  It is a place where transformation, restoration & reconciliation are taking place daily.  We are not to stand in judgement of those we share rows or pews with but our focus is to be on the Gospel of Jesus and allowing Grace, Truth & Freedom to thrive.  The guiding of Holy Spirit is the only way healthy leadership can keep churches from turning inward from the world as well as inward toward the flesh.

The Journey not the destination

I've been thinking lately about the unique opportunities each of us has every day to interact with people.  But many of us will NOT take the opportunity to engage in a discussion or step out of a comfort zone because we are either too busy or it's a challenge to do so.  I've been in several conversations with former & current students who are having to make choices that are going to change the trajectory of their life.  Hearing their heart, hearing their anguish, hearing their excitement, their nervousness, their hope i've couldn't help but keep two things in perspective.

1--Being fully present to give them someone to talk with, cry with & pray with has allowed me to have a voice in their life to help them see what direction Jesus may be directing them.

2- Is this poem

  

Robert Frost (1874–1963).  The Road Not Taken 1920

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.